a lot of energy is required to climb a rope... even more is required to swivel around like you're dancing on the floor... except there is no floor. there is only a rope.
i think i somehow got into this "hard work" mode and was just blasting a high frequency of energy out in my act. almost hectic... like... basically a mixture of "whew i can push myself through this" and "i'm worried that my act isn't interesting so i will 'do more'".... well neither of those are helpful states of mind.
at Konstantin's request and with his ever perceptive eyes, he suggested i bring my energy down to a very very calm place. he reminded me of the character elements i am working with. he saw the show on tuesday. so then on wedensday i decided to try it out. during my warmup and makeup and directly through to the moments of rosin-ing my hands and entering the dark backstage, i kept returning to the idea/feeling of a low, strong, stable, quiet, calm energy. a deep breath. and i did the act that way.
WOW. it was SO DIFFICULT.
my initial experience was: how can i possible ask my body and muscles to perform maximal moves with precision while the rest of me is on a low slow frequency!?!?!? my BREATH was easier after the act, but a DIFFERENT part of me was completely spent and very very pissed off.
that was wednesday. today is satuday. i have been continuing to train this new movement/energy. i have noticed that i am experiencing more feelings of anger. i think this is "good" because i am not pulling those violent feelings of anger out in my act.... energetically. i am also experiencing a greater ease in my body when i do my act. it is more pleasant to remind myself "everything is okay. send a message of calm outward." the general feelings and focuses in the act feel better. - flow through the air, soft, caress, appreciate, respect, peace, calm, stable, easy.... control, power, flow.... breath. waiting. patience..... these are the things i want to focus on.
my body is getting better at doing the high power moves (that one is prone to use brute POWER to accomplish) ... but doing these moves with a peaceful, docile energy. it is a fascinating contrast. perhaps the average person won't realize what sort of insane body confusion i am exploring -- the massive spectral difference between doing a rapid swinging straddle climb and a soft, gentle energy of acceptance and invitation... but whatever. it's not my problem. my problem is to train at the level i am aware of. and konstantin has (once again) brought me to a next level of intrigue and development.
this is my second to last day of the contract. tomorrow is the last day of the contract.
i have nothing to say. i am just staying in the moment. i will tell you about it later. it's been better for me to just stick with the NOW and not worry about the "how."
oh and - about those feelings of anger that are not getting "used" in my act -- yeah. it's weird. it's something i want to and need to deal with. unfortunately, some of those feelings are now getting directed at Konstantin - which is COMPLETELY the wrong direction. he has been the catalyst, but he is not the culprit! i have a chance to pull some junk out of my closet and clean up my energy. i am going to do it. i am going to listen to this anger and learn some more about it. it is something very ancient and deep in me. to me it seems like it has always been there. it is time to begin transforming it's role in my life. this is the beginning of the next step.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Thursday, December 29, 2011
food and stress
frustrated. no not really. confused? actually not confused either.
but here is the situation.
i am an addict. don't laugh - i'm not joking. society wouldn't consider me an addict, but i'm not a typical member of society.
i'm addicted to milk and sugar. this is really tough for me. i mean - everything is fine and dandy in my life now - but small things add up over time... including worry. so even though i have a problem, i can't worry to much about it. weird, right?
so my diet is better than most - but the more i learn... the more terrible i perceive my diet to be.
what kind of life do i really want? you don't ask people with heroine addictions to get over their addition while sitting in a room of junkies. people who overcome an alcohol addicion and regularly attend parties with alcohol have my enduring respect.
it would be harsh to expect myself to radically change my diet while on one of the most intense work tours i could have imagined commencing at age 33. Incredible, no? That I would BEGIN a circus career on highly strenuous equipment (vertical rope) at the age of 33 already sets me well outside the societal norm.
I am dissatisfied with my situation and at the same time filled with wondrous gratitude. It's marvelous to be where I am. But I am not content to stay here. My boiled milk and brown sugar have given me the caloric power i need to continue striving to reach the next hilltop.
I don't want to be one of those "how much land does a man need" maniacs, or someone who never takes a breath to enjoy the view or smell the roses - but i do seem to be a chronically driven person. tempered though my motivations are - they still burn me from within. i can talk about striving for balance or blog philosophically all day long. in the end - it still comes down to figuring how to make the next choice.
i'm going to drink that boiled milk that is on the stove. i'm not going to worry about the next two weeks of my dietary life. i'm going to continue eating as i have. pretty darn healthy - not healthy enough, but i'll survive another two weeks.
then i am going to go to California and take some serious time to rest. i want to do some sewing for fun. i want to go on walks through the hills. i want to do some training to prepare for a Russian Festival. I don't want to stress about anything. i don't want to make any situations unpleasant.
i want to change my life this year. i want to get quiet and listen to what's happening in my blood stream. i want to tune the mind down - i want to write more and see the structure of my book come to life. i want to be more flexible. in fact, i WILL BE more flexible. i want to change my diet. i want to change my living situation. i want to change. i want to begin creating the life that i feel - not the life that society sees as normal.
i'm an extremist. i tend to be extreme. i'm a full of paradox and hypocrisy. but that isn't the worst thing to ever befall a benign being. my life right now - is being completely compromised by the "circus quest". of course, this quest is NECESSARY and ESSENTIAL to the overall quest. i see myself as nearly consumed by the societal world... parading on stage under massive blasts of electronic light and sound. it's ridiculous, really. not at all like living in a cabin in the mountains and talking with the squirrels and beavers every morning.
no problem. just noticing. it's just the way things unwind themselves in the world today. i am unwinding.
without electricity
without cow's milk in a carton from the store
without sugar, brown sugar or maple syrup from a bottle at the store
without a store to buy bread
what if i was just WITHOUT all those things that comfort me and keep me wrapped into my own desires.
don't worry, i'm not about to cut myself off from milk or sugar in my porridge - but these ARE observational admissions to the mental threads i dangle from daily. if i don't have milk - it's the first thing i attend to. GO BUY MILK. if i don't eat enough sugar and i can't find raisins or fruits... i begin to panic... and will then eat any form of nasty chemical sweetener i can find - even if it means going down into the theater in the middle of the night to look in the candy jar.
many people see me as a disconnected, strange, alternatively focused person who doesn't integrate into society very well.
au contraire! i am extremely embedded into the workings of this system. For all of the deviance and abnormality that my life exhibits - i am uncomfortably confined to the comforts of my society. My addictions may be less - and my financial obligations are practically null (though I will owe Income Tax in the US for the year 2011 and probably 2012 as well)... but I am still an addict.
I don't always want to feel this way. Since childhood I can remember longing for escape. I guess that is still what I am seeking for.
Jumping through rings burning with fire and doing the splits between chairs while balancing on a tight wire... are simply alternate ways to climb the corporate ladder, pay your car registration and enjoy a weekend movie on an electronic television with a snack of cookies. Some people probably pity me - I am living in a world where even simple pleasures are insipid evils. It's hard for me too. Of course, I like movies and cookies. Of course, I like driving in my car when I want to go somewhere far away... or for that matter flying in a jet airplane. So yeah - between my own hypocrisy and the number of "not-good-for-yous" that I perceive, it's been a perplexing business - especially when you add in a dictate about not being anxious or stressed out.
I may be incrementally more free now - free enough to turn around and see that the tether is still connected to my ankle.
not that i'm worried about it. no. not panicked. in fact, enjoying a glass of boiled milk right now. all the stupefying and calming effects of the milk are simply helping me through this phase and onto the next one. i don't have forever to make my break... but i do have plenty of time. especially if i eat less sugar.
getting younger everyday - except for lately. something has been off in my sleep. i'm not sure if it is Munich, or Germany in general. Or perhaps my diet and performance schedule. my muscles are severely over trained at the moment. surprisingly calm about that too. in fact, i have been a beast of accomplishment. a very docile beast... who keeps her armpits shaved. so, not really that beastly after all. keeping it calm. just keeping it all calm for the next two weeks.
honestly, i don't know if i'm going to have a nervous breakdown when it is all over or simply melt into a puddle of bliss. perhaps the two can happen consecutively. or in alternate dimensions. or perhaps they can cancel each other out - and i will simply remain calm, docile and suave. like a little cloud floating across the sky. that sounds pleasant.
look up in the sky - maybe you'll see one of my kindred attitudes floating by....
but here is the situation.
i am an addict. don't laugh - i'm not joking. society wouldn't consider me an addict, but i'm not a typical member of society.
i'm addicted to milk and sugar. this is really tough for me. i mean - everything is fine and dandy in my life now - but small things add up over time... including worry. so even though i have a problem, i can't worry to much about it. weird, right?
so my diet is better than most - but the more i learn... the more terrible i perceive my diet to be.
what kind of life do i really want? you don't ask people with heroine addictions to get over their addition while sitting in a room of junkies. people who overcome an alcohol addicion and regularly attend parties with alcohol have my enduring respect.
it would be harsh to expect myself to radically change my diet while on one of the most intense work tours i could have imagined commencing at age 33. Incredible, no? That I would BEGIN a circus career on highly strenuous equipment (vertical rope) at the age of 33 already sets me well outside the societal norm.
I am dissatisfied with my situation and at the same time filled with wondrous gratitude. It's marvelous to be where I am. But I am not content to stay here. My boiled milk and brown sugar have given me the caloric power i need to continue striving to reach the next hilltop.
I don't want to be one of those "how much land does a man need" maniacs, or someone who never takes a breath to enjoy the view or smell the roses - but i do seem to be a chronically driven person. tempered though my motivations are - they still burn me from within. i can talk about striving for balance or blog philosophically all day long. in the end - it still comes down to figuring how to make the next choice.
i'm going to drink that boiled milk that is on the stove. i'm not going to worry about the next two weeks of my dietary life. i'm going to continue eating as i have. pretty darn healthy - not healthy enough, but i'll survive another two weeks.
then i am going to go to California and take some serious time to rest. i want to do some sewing for fun. i want to go on walks through the hills. i want to do some training to prepare for a Russian Festival. I don't want to stress about anything. i don't want to make any situations unpleasant.
i want to change my life this year. i want to get quiet and listen to what's happening in my blood stream. i want to tune the mind down - i want to write more and see the structure of my book come to life. i want to be more flexible. in fact, i WILL BE more flexible. i want to change my diet. i want to change my living situation. i want to change. i want to begin creating the life that i feel - not the life that society sees as normal.
i'm an extremist. i tend to be extreme. i'm a full of paradox and hypocrisy. but that isn't the worst thing to ever befall a benign being. my life right now - is being completely compromised by the "circus quest". of course, this quest is NECESSARY and ESSENTIAL to the overall quest. i see myself as nearly consumed by the societal world... parading on stage under massive blasts of electronic light and sound. it's ridiculous, really. not at all like living in a cabin in the mountains and talking with the squirrels and beavers every morning.
no problem. just noticing. it's just the way things unwind themselves in the world today. i am unwinding.
without electricity
without cow's milk in a carton from the store
without sugar, brown sugar or maple syrup from a bottle at the store
without a store to buy bread
what if i was just WITHOUT all those things that comfort me and keep me wrapped into my own desires.
don't worry, i'm not about to cut myself off from milk or sugar in my porridge - but these ARE observational admissions to the mental threads i dangle from daily. if i don't have milk - it's the first thing i attend to. GO BUY MILK. if i don't eat enough sugar and i can't find raisins or fruits... i begin to panic... and will then eat any form of nasty chemical sweetener i can find - even if it means going down into the theater in the middle of the night to look in the candy jar.
many people see me as a disconnected, strange, alternatively focused person who doesn't integrate into society very well.
au contraire! i am extremely embedded into the workings of this system. For all of the deviance and abnormality that my life exhibits - i am uncomfortably confined to the comforts of my society. My addictions may be less - and my financial obligations are practically null (though I will owe Income Tax in the US for the year 2011 and probably 2012 as well)... but I am still an addict.
I don't always want to feel this way. Since childhood I can remember longing for escape. I guess that is still what I am seeking for.
Jumping through rings burning with fire and doing the splits between chairs while balancing on a tight wire... are simply alternate ways to climb the corporate ladder, pay your car registration and enjoy a weekend movie on an electronic television with a snack of cookies. Some people probably pity me - I am living in a world where even simple pleasures are insipid evils. It's hard for me too. Of course, I like movies and cookies. Of course, I like driving in my car when I want to go somewhere far away... or for that matter flying in a jet airplane. So yeah - between my own hypocrisy and the number of "not-good-for-yous" that I perceive, it's been a perplexing business - especially when you add in a dictate about not being anxious or stressed out.
I may be incrementally more free now - free enough to turn around and see that the tether is still connected to my ankle.
not that i'm worried about it. no. not panicked. in fact, enjoying a glass of boiled milk right now. all the stupefying and calming effects of the milk are simply helping me through this phase and onto the next one. i don't have forever to make my break... but i do have plenty of time. especially if i eat less sugar.
getting younger everyday - except for lately. something has been off in my sleep. i'm not sure if it is Munich, or Germany in general. Or perhaps my diet and performance schedule. my muscles are severely over trained at the moment. surprisingly calm about that too. in fact, i have been a beast of accomplishment. a very docile beast... who keeps her armpits shaved. so, not really that beastly after all. keeping it calm. just keeping it all calm for the next two weeks.
honestly, i don't know if i'm going to have a nervous breakdown when it is all over or simply melt into a puddle of bliss. perhaps the two can happen consecutively. or in alternate dimensions. or perhaps they can cancel each other out - and i will simply remain calm, docile and suave. like a little cloud floating across the sky. that sounds pleasant.
look up in the sky - maybe you'll see one of my kindred attitudes floating by....
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Change
I keep changing. Sometimes this concerns me. like: if i keep changing, how will i ever develop... as in build on the foundation of the last thing to create the next thing... i mean, that i ask myself if my changes are cumulative, as opposed to erratic. I don't want to be like a car swerving down the highway - sure, always covering distance... but leaving a wake of problems behind and potentially crashing out before reaching a destination. i'd rather my changes and grappling for self-discovery be like a tree growing... the overall ache at least amounts to a final symphony that functions in harmony with the surrounds.
Change is necessary to grow. So i hope that my changes are 'growing' changes. I keep wanting to change my routine, now i am on a kick to change the music again... when will it end? Do i even want it to end? will i find stability? perhaps it is great that i am constantly changing... maybe it means i really am on the path to discovering myself.
I'm experimenting with make-up. looking for a face that isn't a mask.
i feel a little lost with all the changes - changing cities, changing routines, changing colleagues, changing influences, changing music, changing hair styles, changing costumes, changing make-up, changing languages, changing countries. what am i left with? what ever it is... if i could touch it... would certainly be something real. if it weathered all those changes. but - i can't seem to find this center-nugget. i feel lost in the tattered scraps of everything else quasi-un-important... like a mouse nestled into bits of shredded newspaper and still trying to read the article about cheese from France... i can't seem to bring the lines together... my cheese article has been cross-shredded with the comics and the business section.
i'm typing this blog while half-way prepared to go out. i need to walk in the fresh air. it is very sunny today. i am very tired. i went back to bed for a while after breakfast. i'd be happy to go back to bed again -- but i'm restless -- i think, literally. also, i think literally. also, i think creatively at times. but literally, i feel rest-less.
i do let myself rest, don't get me wrong - but i am restless - less rested than other times of my life anyway. but i've been working more than i've ever worked before. so it goes to figure.
i feel like i can't progress until i am more flexible. but flexibility needs to come in time - it needs to be habitually trained and patiently built upon. flexibility is a part of your attitude, your mind set. i must train in letting go of my panicked desire to be flexible in order to become more flexible... that is, if i want to have healthy, enduring flexibility. and certainly, that is the kind i am after.
but it's difficult to feel myself on a slow path - while even in the same breath i would tell you that my life progress has been happening all too rapidly. i am on a stage performing before i believe myself adequate. that in itself presents a peculiar challenge. my standards are pretty high. i just keep trying to believe in the complexity of life and my own goodness... and remember that the sun will incinerate us all some day... so everything is pretty relative. yes, i can tend toward the melo-dramatic. but it works for me.
i can't do the splits. if this is my biggest personal point of shame, then i've either missed the point or I'm not doing so bad as a person.
the truth is - i
well.
many things.
i need to get outside.
i forget what prompted me to write this in the first place.
somewhere, honesty and professionalism must intersect and that is where i want to find my performance art.
just go for a walk, darling. that's really all there is to do at the moment. just go for a walk.
Change is necessary to grow. So i hope that my changes are 'growing' changes. I keep wanting to change my routine, now i am on a kick to change the music again... when will it end? Do i even want it to end? will i find stability? perhaps it is great that i am constantly changing... maybe it means i really am on the path to discovering myself.
I'm experimenting with make-up. looking for a face that isn't a mask.
i feel a little lost with all the changes - changing cities, changing routines, changing colleagues, changing influences, changing music, changing hair styles, changing costumes, changing make-up, changing languages, changing countries. what am i left with? what ever it is... if i could touch it... would certainly be something real. if it weathered all those changes. but - i can't seem to find this center-nugget. i feel lost in the tattered scraps of everything else quasi-un-important... like a mouse nestled into bits of shredded newspaper and still trying to read the article about cheese from France... i can't seem to bring the lines together... my cheese article has been cross-shredded with the comics and the business section.
i'm typing this blog while half-way prepared to go out. i need to walk in the fresh air. it is very sunny today. i am very tired. i went back to bed for a while after breakfast. i'd be happy to go back to bed again -- but i'm restless -- i think, literally. also, i think literally. also, i think creatively at times. but literally, i feel rest-less.
i do let myself rest, don't get me wrong - but i am restless - less rested than other times of my life anyway. but i've been working more than i've ever worked before. so it goes to figure.
i feel like i can't progress until i am more flexible. but flexibility needs to come in time - it needs to be habitually trained and patiently built upon. flexibility is a part of your attitude, your mind set. i must train in letting go of my panicked desire to be flexible in order to become more flexible... that is, if i want to have healthy, enduring flexibility. and certainly, that is the kind i am after.
but it's difficult to feel myself on a slow path - while even in the same breath i would tell you that my life progress has been happening all too rapidly. i am on a stage performing before i believe myself adequate. that in itself presents a peculiar challenge. my standards are pretty high. i just keep trying to believe in the complexity of life and my own goodness... and remember that the sun will incinerate us all some day... so everything is pretty relative. yes, i can tend toward the melo-dramatic. but it works for me.
i can't do the splits. if this is my biggest personal point of shame, then i've either missed the point or I'm not doing so bad as a person.
the truth is - i
well.
many things.
i need to get outside.
i forget what prompted me to write this in the first place.
somewhere, honesty and professionalism must intersect and that is where i want to find my performance art.
just go for a walk, darling. that's really all there is to do at the moment. just go for a walk.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
it's been a full while
I've been so busy being involved IN my life, that i haven't written in a while.
I'm trying to design a digital rope that creates or modifies music and I am feeling entirely overwhelmed, inspired... I am cringing with excitement... questioning myself. sometimes i feel very insignificant and wilty.... as in a flower with not enough water.
i've just got to keep going - i know the world is full of all sorts. brilliant sorts, experienced sorts, lame sorts, wasted sorts, potential sorts... i can only make of it what i make of it. honestly, i am so scared of this - but it is the only thing that is interesting to me. the only good option is the terrifying one!
you know, in show business, they often say: "make it until you fake it." oops - i mean, reverse that. "FAKE IT until you MAKE IT."
but i couldn't disagree more. I somehow want all my self-doubting and nail biting to be AN ACCEPTABLE PART of my progress. if i can't accept myself how i am NOW with my LESS THAN splits flexibility and my confused career past,emotional panics and crooked nose - then when WILL i accept myself? if by "fake it" you mean, "ACCEPT yourself" then i agree.
it's so true that i am a green fruit. i am such a bizarre little package of potentials and sprouting energies - but so.... lost.
i mean, i really DO want to turn out to be someone "special". But what even is that? just the EGO needing to assert a boundary around the self. ultimately that is not the goal - to be a self in a fenced in zone. the genius of others is also mine. any of my genius is everyone else's. the only way forward is through union... knowing we are all made of the same spiritual material. hold on - i'm not going too far. the correct realm in which to create boundaries is the physical one. after all - that is the meaning of having an individuated physical body. the body is meant to be treated as a discrete unit. so, sure - with my unique physical module, i will figure out my life purpose and do something (hopefully beautiful and even magnificent)
last night i had a TERRIBLE performance. i won't go into the details - but it was all a mess.
speaking of which - i need to make a few repairs on my costume so I should get going.
no time for more ponderific ponderings. but certainly a lot has been going on.
supposedly i am collecting material to write a book - but that seems like an overwhelmingly confusing task too.
i mean, i never set out to be an author or a digital instrument builder or a seamstress --- but these are the sorts of unexpected adventures that i seem to be prone to falling in love with. the agony of the wild unknowns only stimulates a greater hunger to find myself - as if "myself" were "out there" somewhere... instead of sitting write here at the computer again... as if "myself" is someone i must go create or find... aren't i already myself? isn't this about acceptance? it's such a paradox.
you have to sit still to go anywhere these days.
non-ward.
I'm trying to design a digital rope that creates or modifies music and I am feeling entirely overwhelmed, inspired... I am cringing with excitement... questioning myself. sometimes i feel very insignificant and wilty.... as in a flower with not enough water.
i've just got to keep going - i know the world is full of all sorts. brilliant sorts, experienced sorts, lame sorts, wasted sorts, potential sorts... i can only make of it what i make of it. honestly, i am so scared of this - but it is the only thing that is interesting to me. the only good option is the terrifying one!
you know, in show business, they often say: "make it until you fake it." oops - i mean, reverse that. "FAKE IT until you MAKE IT."
but i couldn't disagree more. I somehow want all my self-doubting and nail biting to be AN ACCEPTABLE PART of my progress. if i can't accept myself how i am NOW with my LESS THAN splits flexibility and my confused career past,emotional panics and crooked nose - then when WILL i accept myself? if by "fake it" you mean, "ACCEPT yourself" then i agree.
it's so true that i am a green fruit. i am such a bizarre little package of potentials and sprouting energies - but so.... lost.
i mean, i really DO want to turn out to be someone "special". But what even is that? just the EGO needing to assert a boundary around the self. ultimately that is not the goal - to be a self in a fenced in zone. the genius of others is also mine. any of my genius is everyone else's. the only way forward is through union... knowing we are all made of the same spiritual material. hold on - i'm not going too far. the correct realm in which to create boundaries is the physical one. after all - that is the meaning of having an individuated physical body. the body is meant to be treated as a discrete unit. so, sure - with my unique physical module, i will figure out my life purpose and do something (hopefully beautiful and even magnificent)
last night i had a TERRIBLE performance. i won't go into the details - but it was all a mess.
speaking of which - i need to make a few repairs on my costume so I should get going.
no time for more ponderific ponderings. but certainly a lot has been going on.
supposedly i am collecting material to write a book - but that seems like an overwhelmingly confusing task too.
i mean, i never set out to be an author or a digital instrument builder or a seamstress --- but these are the sorts of unexpected adventures that i seem to be prone to falling in love with. the agony of the wild unknowns only stimulates a greater hunger to find myself - as if "myself" were "out there" somewhere... instead of sitting write here at the computer again... as if "myself" is someone i must go create or find... aren't i already myself? isn't this about acceptance? it's such a paradox.
you have to sit still to go anywhere these days.
non-ward.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
land ho
i'm lost at sea - adrift in a land of water
searching for an island
for some solid ground
here in the world of lumbar
i am without the rock of my sacrum
my ground. my earth.
i am floating adrift in a land of water
searching for an island
searching for some solid ground.
dying of thirst
salt washed kidneys
sugar fed liver
strong heart will beat on
and lungs will pound in the rhythm of my desire
to find an island
to find some solid ground
to find a sacred place to call home
my sacrum.
sacred sacrum - here i come!
coming home...
finding myself inside
walking the line
along the spine
fighting my own breath
crying alone
knowing to find you
i need to give you away
i release my desire to be flexible.
i release my desire to be a star.
i release my desire to be perfect.
i release my desire to be beautiful.
i release my desire to be loved.
i release my desire to be popular.
i release my desire to be thinner.
i release my desire to be someone other than myself.
i release my desire to have a different body.
i release my desire to be secure.
i release my desire to be rich.
i release my desire to be healthy.
i release my desire to be wise.
i release my desire to have knowledge.
i release my desire.
i release my desire.
i release my desire.
i release my desire.
I RELEASE MYSELF.
(inspired by word-crafter and wonder-woman, Candace Younghans, who i adore so very much!)
searching for an island
for some solid ground
here in the world of lumbar
i am without the rock of my sacrum
my ground. my earth.
i am floating adrift in a land of water
searching for an island
searching for some solid ground.
dying of thirst
salt washed kidneys
sugar fed liver
strong heart will beat on
and lungs will pound in the rhythm of my desire
to find an island
to find some solid ground
to find a sacred place to call home
my sacrum.
sacred sacrum - here i come!
coming home...
finding myself inside
walking the line
along the spine
fighting my own breath
crying alone
knowing to find you
i need to give you away
i release my desire to be flexible.
i release my desire to be a star.
i release my desire to be perfect.
i release my desire to be beautiful.
i release my desire to be loved.
i release my desire to be popular.
i release my desire to be thinner.
i release my desire to be someone other than myself.
i release my desire to have a different body.
i release my desire to be secure.
i release my desire to be rich.
i release my desire to be healthy.
i release my desire to be wise.
i release my desire to have knowledge.
i release my desire.
i release my desire.
i release my desire.
i release my desire.
I RELEASE MYSELF.
(inspired by word-crafter and wonder-woman, Candace Younghans, who i adore so very much!)
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Window in the Kitchen
i am cooking. i am cooking potatoes. i am boiling them in a pot of water. i have cut onions and leek and snow peas, a tomato, two thin pieces of ginger and have them ready on the side. my frying pan has a messy, large dollup of ghee in the bottom. it looks to me like this is the first time the pan will be used. i have been moving around this morning - in a new way. i watched a little youTube video by John Barnes and he suggested such a lovely way of moving, breathing and stretching that i spent most of the morning between small movement sessions, skyping with Konstantin and futzzing on the computer with things of various importance. i downloaded a lot of music: notably Julia Savicheva and Finn Martin. I made chai tea this morning and it was so ridiculously good. I am feeling good. my horoscope from the inestimable Rob Breszny said that the coming weeks would be a lot of work and to harness my health and support systems. He also said the universe would help me, which I fully believe. I completely and totally believe that I am doing what I am supposed to and that if i keep my diligent and loving effort working, that I will be protected and guided enjoyably to the next quest and the next chapter. When things are tough (like when GOP thinks they can force extra shows on me without asking as if I am now their meat) then i breath and i know that this is the perfect challenge designed just for me because the universe knows that i am ready to take another step in my learning journey. That's what challenges are: things we are ready to find a way to deal with. The are the fires we need to burn off bits of self that we don't need anymore.
I've got the heater on, it's warming the house. I've got my new Julia Savicheva music on. I've still got sesame oil in my hair from last night. It's been amazing. I've had more whole body relief from oiling every night (from hair to feet) than i have from various pain creams and homeopathic creams. they also help, no question there, but the overall rest and whole body satisfaction of covering myself in oil is so amazing. i mean, it is ridiculous, but if it is helping, who cares!!?!!!
I will see how my act goes today. i need to do some thinking about what i really want to do with it here at this short theater.
i have an accupunture appointment tomorrow - and a doctor's appointment for the bump on my hand. i have a rolfing/myofascial appointment on friday. hey - i want help. i need the support. i am growing, changing, learning and exploding into my life... there is no point in slowly myself down by not utilizing my resources. i am making an investment in my body, my health, my knowledge base and the only use i have for money is to support the creation of beauty and love in life. health, relaxed, open existence state and some cebrebral knowledge will be building blocks in my process of flubbering my way into a wonderful life dance and a economic rhythm of bouncing money. It's still very difficult for me to spend money, but I'm learning how healthy it is to invest money in your life. It's like chi flowing in your myofascial tissues, you need to keep a flow going. stagnating in a savings account may be a seasonal choice, but spring time needs to come at some point and let that ice melt into a gushing river of new possibility.
I've begun valuing my time more than my money as well. if i can buy something for 1 Euro MORE at a place that is 10 minutes less time consuming, i do it. After all, money can be created. time.... well, that is another sci-fi story all together. time is so precious!
i'm intent on placing my focus in the direction of purity, beauty, nature and home. i am intent on using intent. i am easily distracted and dilluted by all the stimulus of the world. comparitvely speaking, i am already threading the needle of concentration, but as with all spectrums, there is an infite ocean of greater resonance above me and i can see it from where i am standing. so, i'm going to walk in that direction. i will not walk the path of meadering, numbness-inducing, diversion based life that is offered to the citizens of the world. It is critical to make your own choice. to which voices will you listen? there are many sources, computer, TV, radio, books, magazines, newspapers, intuition, friends, family, movies, songs, your own thoughts, feelings in your physical body, the view out your window, a view from a place you go.... there are so many ways to influence yourself. the food you eat, the way you sit, the color of your clothes, the way you arrange your shoes in the closet... yes literally everything. the patterns and influences of our lives are simple and subtle. how i walk effects how i feel. everything is connected. happiness is a habit. habit choosing and changing is a lot of work. happiness is a habit is not an upbeat, cheeky, positive catch phrase that Hallmark plans to use in their 2012 card-line - "happiness is a habit" is a very realistic approach to the work and harvest that one can cycle with in life. "freedom is the symptom when wisdom guides the system" Finn Martin. His music has been such a strong and wonderful influence in my life lately.
I'm debating what to get my astronomically cool sister for her birthday this year. She is so darn cool, that she surpasses the need for trinkets and stuff. I want to do something special for her that reflects and respects the beauty of her light-relationship with STUFFn'THINGS and also reflects the international flavor of the journey i've been on. I wonder if there is a way i can encapsulate energies available over here.... and the magic of my own quest and somehow send it to her. Yes, it may take the form of a thing, or things.. but i can't seem to figure out WHAT yet. i am working on it. waiting. maybe it won't be a THING at all. i have also been trying to figure out if there is someway i can facilitate an EXPERIENCE that she wants to have. she too understands that experience is far more precious than a thing. what is her heart hankering for? i have some ideas... but how can i create a senario that enablers to leap into that direction of her hankering?
i've been having another cup of tea and my potatoes are coming along beautifully. now everything is in the same pan and i've covered it all with an disposable aluminmum dish that i smashed open to make-shift a lid for my frying pan.
today is the beginning of a long period of time that will be focused around the 4-7 minutes i spend on stage performing my act. so weird. well, i could write more - but i am done with this for now.
love!
I've got the heater on, it's warming the house. I've got my new Julia Savicheva music on. I've still got sesame oil in my hair from last night. It's been amazing. I've had more whole body relief from oiling every night (from hair to feet) than i have from various pain creams and homeopathic creams. they also help, no question there, but the overall rest and whole body satisfaction of covering myself in oil is so amazing. i mean, it is ridiculous, but if it is helping, who cares!!?!!!
I will see how my act goes today. i need to do some thinking about what i really want to do with it here at this short theater.
i have an accupunture appointment tomorrow - and a doctor's appointment for the bump on my hand. i have a rolfing/myofascial appointment on friday. hey - i want help. i need the support. i am growing, changing, learning and exploding into my life... there is no point in slowly myself down by not utilizing my resources. i am making an investment in my body, my health, my knowledge base and the only use i have for money is to support the creation of beauty and love in life. health, relaxed, open existence state and some cebrebral knowledge will be building blocks in my process of flubbering my way into a wonderful life dance and a economic rhythm of bouncing money. It's still very difficult for me to spend money, but I'm learning how healthy it is to invest money in your life. It's like chi flowing in your myofascial tissues, you need to keep a flow going. stagnating in a savings account may be a seasonal choice, but spring time needs to come at some point and let that ice melt into a gushing river of new possibility.
I've begun valuing my time more than my money as well. if i can buy something for 1 Euro MORE at a place that is 10 minutes less time consuming, i do it. After all, money can be created. time.... well, that is another sci-fi story all together. time is so precious!
i'm intent on placing my focus in the direction of purity, beauty, nature and home. i am intent on using intent. i am easily distracted and dilluted by all the stimulus of the world. comparitvely speaking, i am already threading the needle of concentration, but as with all spectrums, there is an infite ocean of greater resonance above me and i can see it from where i am standing. so, i'm going to walk in that direction. i will not walk the path of meadering, numbness-inducing, diversion based life that is offered to the citizens of the world. It is critical to make your own choice. to which voices will you listen? there are many sources, computer, TV, radio, books, magazines, newspapers, intuition, friends, family, movies, songs, your own thoughts, feelings in your physical body, the view out your window, a view from a place you go.... there are so many ways to influence yourself. the food you eat, the way you sit, the color of your clothes, the way you arrange your shoes in the closet... yes literally everything. the patterns and influences of our lives are simple and subtle. how i walk effects how i feel. everything is connected. happiness is a habit. habit choosing and changing is a lot of work. happiness is a habit is not an upbeat, cheeky, positive catch phrase that Hallmark plans to use in their 2012 card-line - "happiness is a habit" is a very realistic approach to the work and harvest that one can cycle with in life. "freedom is the symptom when wisdom guides the system" Finn Martin. His music has been such a strong and wonderful influence in my life lately.
I'm debating what to get my astronomically cool sister for her birthday this year. She is so darn cool, that she surpasses the need for trinkets and stuff. I want to do something special for her that reflects and respects the beauty of her light-relationship with STUFFn'THINGS and also reflects the international flavor of the journey i've been on. I wonder if there is a way i can encapsulate energies available over here.... and the magic of my own quest and somehow send it to her. Yes, it may take the form of a thing, or things.. but i can't seem to figure out WHAT yet. i am working on it. waiting. maybe it won't be a THING at all. i have also been trying to figure out if there is someway i can facilitate an EXPERIENCE that she wants to have. she too understands that experience is far more precious than a thing. what is her heart hankering for? i have some ideas... but how can i create a senario that enablers to leap into that direction of her hankering?
i've been having another cup of tea and my potatoes are coming along beautifully. now everything is in the same pan and i've covered it all with an disposable aluminmum dish that i smashed open to make-shift a lid for my frying pan.
today is the beginning of a long period of time that will be focused around the 4-7 minutes i spend on stage performing my act. so weird. well, i could write more - but i am done with this for now.
love!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
today
if all days were like today - i don't know if i'd be able to hack this.
well this week has been rough. i am nursing a sore shoulder. i think all the excitement and success of last week (and the last 5 weeks) just added up and PLUS all the NEW work i've been doing with my body - more stretching and etc. especially through the shoulders and chest- just triggered my slightly fragile right shoulder to speak with me. it's okay - i mean, i am managing it - but it is more work and more anxiety. yep. that's right. i feel anxious.
i also feel downright happy.
and i also feel downright confused and overwhelmed. and i also feel like i am doing a damn good job of floating along this topsy turvy stream of tumultuous emotions and letting things sort themselves out.
it's been a strange time. i've learned how to cry - and not let that be a problem. how to blow my nose and move on with whatever i'm doing: leg lifts, putting my costume on etc. whatever. i go onward. i DO cry though - i have to let these feelings out. there is no hope of moving forward if i let things stay stuck in me. i don't need to make a scene about it - it just happens and then i dab my eyes or whatever and take a breath.
today i actually had to stop my warm up to crawl under my blanket and bawl for 10 minutes. half the time i was bawling because i am so happy and life is so amazing and magical - and half the time i was bawling because things are so hard and painful and i've been working so hard and i am so damn tired and homesick. and the other half of the time (oh wait.. i mean... the other multi-dimensional half)i was bawling because there was no reason to be sad or bawling but i was doing it anyway and it was so confusing that it made me bawl. so yeah. things aren't always clear in my head - but not all good things must be clear. Hot Chocolate, for example. it is a very very good thing and not at all transparent.
yesterday i found myself feeling some desperation. i decided on this circus adventure to satisfy a part of my soul. i am being satisfied and fed by this adventure. i knew that taking the GOP contract would be a lot of work and challenge me to grow and decide what my next step will be. i knew that this work would push me to ask the important questions: can i do this? do i want to do this? where do i want to be next? what is my dream? how is this a part of my path?
well - yesterday i was longing for home so badly. 2012 must really reveal for me a step towards home. there is just no soothing this ache for a place. though i don't envy people with "normal jobs", i do wonder how comfortable their subconscious mind must be. They aren't even aware of how nestled into that pocket of their head they are. They don't know what a windy barren plain of rustling leaves and frigid dusty suitcases sits in that same place in my head. well, maybe some of them do. of course my idealized subjections are subject to some refinement. but who cares? idealized subjections serve a purpose. i am aware that each form of life has it's golden edge and it's mud-filled potholes. there is no escaping stress and angst as long as you're walking around in your head. the trick is to let go of the mind's need to fret and just walk your walk. of course, there is still the matter of deciding which road you are going to walk. the wrong road will cause an ocean of extra pain and suffering - whereas the right road can be downright blissful if you're willing for it to be simply so: blissfully falling through life and not clinging to hard to anything. i'd better change the subject - i can feel myself getting teary behind my cheekbones - and that is a definite sign that i am starting to wax philosophical about life.
(not bad - but just not in the mood to weep anymore. today i have two shows and i want to focus on my crisp, calm energy. the simple task of doing what i need to do and caring for my little owie shoulder.)
since i became content with the structure of my act, i have returned to a focus on the technique. i REALLY need to change some postural/flexibility things (this is ongoing) and i am still needing to refine the way i do my straddle climb. i believe i need to figure out what the deal is with my style of straddle climb. it's devastatingly hard (bio-mechanically speaking) on my shoulders and maybe i can re-train it. certainly the whole thing about how i place my catch leg needs to be cleaned up as well as the throw leg.... there are certainly two ways to do it.... i need to decide which way i like and then make it automatic. so shoulders, leg 1 and leg 2.... all a part of the mix.
my beats might stand to be done with straight legs for a while. the bent knees isn't working like it used to.
that's the deal - when your body is always changing... you've got to constantly keep up with it and modify accordingly. it's a full time job. i tell you!
enough writing for today.
well this week has been rough. i am nursing a sore shoulder. i think all the excitement and success of last week (and the last 5 weeks) just added up and PLUS all the NEW work i've been doing with my body - more stretching and etc. especially through the shoulders and chest- just triggered my slightly fragile right shoulder to speak with me. it's okay - i mean, i am managing it - but it is more work and more anxiety. yep. that's right. i feel anxious.
i also feel downright happy.
and i also feel downright confused and overwhelmed. and i also feel like i am doing a damn good job of floating along this topsy turvy stream of tumultuous emotions and letting things sort themselves out.
it's been a strange time. i've learned how to cry - and not let that be a problem. how to blow my nose and move on with whatever i'm doing: leg lifts, putting my costume on etc. whatever. i go onward. i DO cry though - i have to let these feelings out. there is no hope of moving forward if i let things stay stuck in me. i don't need to make a scene about it - it just happens and then i dab my eyes or whatever and take a breath.
today i actually had to stop my warm up to crawl under my blanket and bawl for 10 minutes. half the time i was bawling because i am so happy and life is so amazing and magical - and half the time i was bawling because things are so hard and painful and i've been working so hard and i am so damn tired and homesick. and the other half of the time (oh wait.. i mean... the other multi-dimensional half)i was bawling because there was no reason to be sad or bawling but i was doing it anyway and it was so confusing that it made me bawl. so yeah. things aren't always clear in my head - but not all good things must be clear. Hot Chocolate, for example. it is a very very good thing and not at all transparent.
yesterday i found myself feeling some desperation. i decided on this circus adventure to satisfy a part of my soul. i am being satisfied and fed by this adventure. i knew that taking the GOP contract would be a lot of work and challenge me to grow and decide what my next step will be. i knew that this work would push me to ask the important questions: can i do this? do i want to do this? where do i want to be next? what is my dream? how is this a part of my path?
well - yesterday i was longing for home so badly. 2012 must really reveal for me a step towards home. there is just no soothing this ache for a place. though i don't envy people with "normal jobs", i do wonder how comfortable their subconscious mind must be. They aren't even aware of how nestled into that pocket of their head they are. They don't know what a windy barren plain of rustling leaves and frigid dusty suitcases sits in that same place in my head. well, maybe some of them do. of course my idealized subjections are subject to some refinement. but who cares? idealized subjections serve a purpose. i am aware that each form of life has it's golden edge and it's mud-filled potholes. there is no escaping stress and angst as long as you're walking around in your head. the trick is to let go of the mind's need to fret and just walk your walk. of course, there is still the matter of deciding which road you are going to walk. the wrong road will cause an ocean of extra pain and suffering - whereas the right road can be downright blissful if you're willing for it to be simply so: blissfully falling through life and not clinging to hard to anything. i'd better change the subject - i can feel myself getting teary behind my cheekbones - and that is a definite sign that i am starting to wax philosophical about life.
(not bad - but just not in the mood to weep anymore. today i have two shows and i want to focus on my crisp, calm energy. the simple task of doing what i need to do and caring for my little owie shoulder.)
since i became content with the structure of my act, i have returned to a focus on the technique. i REALLY need to change some postural/flexibility things (this is ongoing) and i am still needing to refine the way i do my straddle climb. i believe i need to figure out what the deal is with my style of straddle climb. it's devastatingly hard (bio-mechanically speaking) on my shoulders and maybe i can re-train it. certainly the whole thing about how i place my catch leg needs to be cleaned up as well as the throw leg.... there are certainly two ways to do it.... i need to decide which way i like and then make it automatic. so shoulders, leg 1 and leg 2.... all a part of the mix.
my beats might stand to be done with straight legs for a while. the bent knees isn't working like it used to.
that's the deal - when your body is always changing... you've got to constantly keep up with it and modify accordingly. it's a full time job. i tell you!
enough writing for today.
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